he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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