my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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