His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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