guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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