I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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