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WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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