M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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