Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
