Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
