can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
