Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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