I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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