I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
