I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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