Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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