I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
