i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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