When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
