shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can feel your judgement through the phone
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
