Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
