It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
