Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
