I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Randomize
