Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
