I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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