i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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