I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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