He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
