Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Life is so much better after having sex.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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