My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
