Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize