Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
