I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
