drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Found your dick twin last night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
