im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
