Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
