Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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