Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
foreskin is a definite game changer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
