I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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