i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
