I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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