I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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