We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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