can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
