I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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