Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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