so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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