Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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