And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
