When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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