I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The beer is more important than you right now.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
