Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
