My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize