dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
