you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
