just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
