Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
