Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i've created a new STD.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
