I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
