theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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