Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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