So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
