If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
