I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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