i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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