When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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