I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
